


Too Many Suns Fries Us All

by NyxEclipse



Series: Our Crazy Master [3]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Out of Character, death threats (burning), master is smart, servant summary 101
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 22:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14388096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxEclipse/pseuds/NyxEclipse
Summary: “Sounds reasonable. So, all we have to do get rid of some five-star Servants then.”“Yes, Master. You might want to repeat that last sentence again slowly though.”“So, all we have to do get rid of some —WAIT I HAVE TO BURN MY 5 STAR SERVANTS?!?!?!?!?”In which a certain orange haired Master tries to burn her servants, no one actually gets burned, and Kirei approves of this madness.The sequal toAll Praise the Sun!





	Too Many Suns Fries Us All

Too hot.

It is seriously way too hot!

How could Chaldea possibly be so hot?

All around her are Servants is various states of being passed out? Robin Hood is huddled in the corner with his fellow archers Billy and Tomoe. The three of them are all fanning themselves with paper fans which the sole female archer provides and look absolutely miserable with the amount of sweat pouring down their faces.

Queen Sheba and Scheherazade are similarly in another corner looking sweaty and frustrated. Closer inspection would reveal that they are contemplating which article of clothing to remove next from their already scantily clad selves. If not for the stifling heat, she would probably be the first one to rush over and ogle their voluptuous bodies.

Well, that is clearly Emiya and Cu Chulainn sprawled over the same sofa looking close to death. On a normal day, the two would probably be arguing up a storm. But it appears that this terrible heat had rendered even them this listless…how horrible.

Or to put things simply…

“GAH! WHY THE HELL IS SO HOT?” the Master shouts in agony as she tugs at her orange hair before forcefully stopping herself. Unless she planned to go bald soon, she should really start restraining from the hair pulling considering the amount of hair she has yanked out recently.

No, but seriously, why in the name of Tiamat was it so damn hot?

With that sole question repeating itself over and over in her mind, the young Master tries to drag herself off the chair she is sitting on—only to flop onto the ground in a messy heap of unresponsive limbs.

The oppressive heat really saps away at your life.

If she stares hard enough, she can see vague white wisps of her Servant’s souls as they flew away…oh never mind. It was in fact, just thin tails of smoke as her Servants were slowly baked alive.

Not one to give up so easily, she tries to crawl her way out of the lounge in search of a cooler location. She did not plan to die anytime soon—she had just received her monthly allowance to roll for new servants! How could she possibly allow things to end here?

Her progress out of the ~~microwave~~ lounge is halted as she comes face to face with white cloth shoes. Light orange eyes continue looking up and see dark blue pants held in place by a gold-rimmed belt and a shirtless muscular body covered in flowery tattoos.

Hmm…the sight strikes her as familiar, but for some reason, she can’t quite remember. It appears the heat might have messed up her brain a little. In fact, the world did seem to be spinning right now—

“—ster. Master? Are you alright?”

That was someone calling her right? Yes, she was quite sure her Servants addressed her as master.

“Looks like the heat got to you too huh. This appears to be a bigger issue than I thought.”

The orange haired Master feels strong arms dragging her back into her chair.

_Nooo…I wanna leave the room…_

“So, about this heat, um. Master? Are you even listening?”

‘Yes yes I’m listening,’ Is what she wants to say, but it ends up coming out more like a ‘yeshh uhh lisnngg…’

“Um, okay.” the voice pauses a while as if not quite believing her. In the first place, she is surprised that the other appears to have understood her at all. “So, I might have figured out the source of this heat issue—”

“—really Yan Qing? Holy Mother of Fishes we’re saved!”

The unexpected good news does wonders to rejuvenate her spirits. Sure, she might still feel like melting into a puddle of goo at any moment, but at least now she has a way to prevent it. She then peers closer at the servant speaking to her; looks like she had gotten his identity right after all. Said male servant is currently looking at her with a stupefied look on his face.

“Well? Spit it out then!”

At her prompting, the Assassin schools his features into one of utmost seriousness.

“How much about us Servants do you know, Master?”

“Uh,”—she scratches her head—“enough to get by?”

The look on her Assassin’s face seems very doubtful of her.

“What do you know of Lobo?”

“He’s a good boy.”

“Scheherazade?”

“Boobesaurous Rex.”

“Then what about Medb?”

“Thot.”

 “Cu?”

“Best doggo.”

In the distance, the distinct sound of someone choking on water can be heard followed by cries of ‘Don’t die Lancer!’.

“Master…”

Yan Qing’s voice clearly conveys his disbelief—disbelief at how his Master could be so ignorant about her Servants yet be expected to work with them to save humanity at the same time.

“Hey! What’s with that look? I’m giving some top-notch descriptions of my Servants here you know!”

She stares challengingly at her servant, a slight pout adorning her face. Yan Qing looks like he is about to refute her but must have decided otherwise for he merely resumes his questioning.

“Me?”

“Fabulous tattoos that can make straight men gay.”

 “…Enkidu?”

“It’s not gay if it’s clay.”

“Siegfried?”

“Suma—”

“—no wait don’t answer that.”

The long-haired Assassin quietly offers up an apology to the poor Saber that has often been the brunt of one too many jokes.

“Arash?”

“STELLAAAAAAAA!”

“Kojiro?”

“Dragons are just bigger swallows.”

“Nero?”

“Umu!”

“Arjuna?”

“Chuuni bastard with a brother complex.”

“I’ve lost all hope—Huh, that’s quite accurate actually.”

A thoughtful look crosses the Assassin’s face.

“Anyway, I think we’ve established that you’re quite the airheaded Master—”

“HEY!”

“—but not to worry, my solution has nothing to do with this at thankfully. Well, it does, but at least it won’t matter even if you are clueless about our backstories.”

Using a single hand to restrain this raging master who is attempting to maul him, Yan Qing gets to his main point.

“So, there’s this legend about a guy named Hou Yi—”

“—who saved the earth from being burnt because of the ten suns that suddenly rose into the sky one day. Using his amazing archery skills and a bow blessed by the gods, he shoots down all of the suns down but one, hence saving humanity from a fiery death.”

“…Master, you know of the legend of a servant you haven’t summoned but not about us?!”

“What? Wasn’t I giving very accurate descriptions of you guys? Anyway, sometimes when I take Zhuge Liang for battles, he tends to ramble on about various things which include—Hey! What does this have to do with our current predicament?”

The orange haired master is honestly quite frustrated by now. Yan Qing appears to know the answer to the current dire situation but is infuriatingly still withholding the crucial information.

On a side note, the various servants that are in the lounge seem to have gathered around the sofa where Emiya and Cu were slumped over just now. The faintest sounds of an argument about performing CPR seems to be their main concern for some odd reason. Although quite curious about the commotion there, she quickly tears her eyes away as Yan Qing resumes his speech.

“Don’t you understand Master? We’re dying of heatstroke for the exact same reason! We have too many suns here in Chaldea!”

The only response he gets is a wide-eyed, uncomprehending stare.

“Okay, so not a literal sun, but Servants who embody suns!”

“Ah!”

At that clarification, several servants float to her mind.

“Oh no!”

“What?”

“Do pharaohs count?”

“Eh, I’m not sure about that. But judging by what Ozzyman has been going around declaring about pharaohs being the sun, I feel we should err on the side of caution and get rid of them all.”

“Sounds reasonable. So, all we have to do get rid of some five-star Servants then.”

“Yes, Master. You might want to repeat that last sentence again slowly though.”

“So, all we have to do get rid of some —WAIT I HAVE TO BURN MY 5 STAR SERVANTS?!?!?!?!?”

Her abrupt rise in voice drowns out the cheers of ‘He’s alive!’ and ‘Lancer lives!’ that come from the other side of the room.

“I’m afraid so Master. Unless you want us all to die a slow painful death?”

“No…b-but….but!”

“Although you should probably keep one unless you want us to face the Ice Age or something.”

“But he’s not waking up!”

“It’s because of the heat I tell you.”

The distressed voice of Tomoe rings out followed by the serious explanation of Emiya. The anxious look on his face, however, betrays his seemingly calm sounding voice.

“See master? Cu is really going to die now if you don’t do anything about our heat problem.”

Her sobs of despair echo throughout the entire building.

-/-/-

Romani Archaman is many things, but a miracle worker is certainly not one of them.

“Please do remember to”—the door slams shut—“drink lots of water…”

Seriously, whose fault was it that they got sick in the first place? Who did they think they were, waltzing into his office and demanding he cure them without rhyme or reason? As a doctor, he would try his best to help them get well quickly, but some things can’t be rushed you know?

With a huff of annoyance, the doctor is careful not to slam his coffee cup onto the table despite his worsening mood. While it is true that he is usually a very good-natured and friendly person, even he had his limits. What was with this seemingly endless flow of grumbling and dehydrated patients all barging in one after another?

Running a hand through sweaty locks of once fluffy hair that now stick to his forehead, Romani considers the sharp rise in temperature. Perhaps it has to do with this? It definitely is a highly unusual circumstance.

Before he can dwell more on the cause of the situation, he is interrupted by a loud commotion outside his door.

It frankly sounds like a particularly rowdy brawl—that with all the screaming and yelling that mixes together into a deafening cacophony. At times, the clang of armour or weapons rings out together with familiar sounds of spellcasting. There is also the distinct sound of metal scraping the ground…if he had to hazard a guess, it would be someone dragging an amour clad servant along for some reason.

Honestly, it perplexes him. He can practically think of no reason why a situation causing such sounds should occur outside his room. Although should he open his door to go check? For all he knew, it could be a tedious matter or worse—something dangerous.

Something that sounds suspiciously like an explosion goes off outside, followed by several yelps.

Romani gulps; no one was knocking on his door, which meant it was probably safe as long as he stayed put where he was. Gloved fingers tap repeatedly on his table. Could he really just sit here while Chaldea was potentially in trouble? It was in his nature to run away, but was he really satisfied with just that? He had maintained a superficial friendship with everyone—mostly. But that orange haired girl had managed to worm her way into her heart with all her craziness…somehow.

_Damn you, consciousness and curiosity._

A little reluctantly, the Doctor stands and realises that the commotion seems to have moved quite far away judging by how soft everything sounds now. Taking a deep breath, he opens his door and stares.

The good: the area outside the medical bay is much less damaged than he expected. Sure, there are some blackened areas on the wall and scratches, but they look superficial at most. It is obviously not the kind of damage that comes with an invasion or attack.

The bad: he has no idea what the huge fuss is about now.

The ugly: are those…white sheets with eyes on them…?

“What in the world…”

He trails off uncertainly as he looks further down the corridor. No traces of the people who caused the uproar can be seen except for the very prominent trail of wall and floor damage.

“Well, I sure hope curiosity doesn’t kill me for this.”

With that, he carefully closes the door to the medical bay and follows the trail the unruly mob left behind.

-/-/-

“Eh, Gudako, what exactly are you doing…?”

Never could he have prepared himself for what he is seeing now.

There is a rather large gathering of servants outside the burning room that houses a magical furnace, capable of turning unwanted servants into mana/rare prisms. Knowing that the number one fear of most Servants is being burnt in this room, the fact that so many of them are clustered outside it confuses him.

Gudako has her back against the furnace door, with a desperately struggling Quetzalcoatl trapped between her arms and an incredibly reluctant Tamamo helping out with holding her in place. Cleopatra is being held at knife/arrow point by a stony-faced Emiya. She sobs uncontrollably—tears running down her still pretty face. It must be quite hard on the pharaoh; Romani remembers hearing rumours about how she was almost burnt once before as a catalyst.

Seriously though, it was because of men such as the red-clad archer, that the validity of the Archer class being made up of archers was called into question.

Next to them is Ozymandias who is struggling on the ground; a nonchalant looking Jack sits on his back licking a lollipop while Yan Qing drags him by the feet towards the dreaded room. The Rider is reaching out to someone who is currently being pinned by Cu Chulainn with his many different forms. Curiously enough, only his Caster, Berserker and Prototype versions are present. The poor girl (or guy?) is barely moving under the combined weight of the three servants. They completely cover the unfortunate servant, leaving only the slightest hint of gold peeking out from within their mass.

In contrast to the desperate looking servants who are being threatened or restrained by various means, Karna looks very serene in comparison. While he might appear to be very much at ease, his partner—Siegfried—looks grief stricken. The Dragon-Blooded Knight looks ready to burst into tears at any moment as he stares into Karna’s face and grips his hands in a surely painful grip. However, the Hero of Charity does not complain about the crushing grip and instead offers the other a small smile. Then the smile wavers and for a moment, and he thought he saw Karna look ready to cry as well. It disappears so quickly, however, that he doubts he even saw it in the first place.

_Isn’t this a little extreme? What on earth is going on??_

“Oh, Dr Romani! It’s great that you’re here! Quick! Help me hold down Nitocris! She’s been throwing Medjebs at us since just now!”

_At least that explains the white sheets._

Bewildered, the pink-haired male catches sight of Nitocris weaving nimbly through the various servants obstructing the hallway—a determined looking Gawain hot on her heels. Letting out an ‘eep!’ of fear as his gauntlets briefly brush her ears, the slight woman tosses a few Medjebs at him to distract the Knight of the Sun while she ducks behind a still confused Romani who is trying to comprehend the situation.

Alarmed, the doctor turns around and comes face to face with a covering and shaking Nitocris—a perfect depiction of a cornered animal and faced with imminent death.

“I swear Gawain if you don’t catch her, I’ll burn you with them as well!”

The blonde in front of him gulps audibly at the threat but seems unsure of how to deal with the new obstacle in front of him.

“A-ah doctor, do you mind stepping aside please?”

It sounds quite similar to a despondent plea of a man at his wit's end.

He decides to try once more.

“Gudako, why are you trying to burn them anyway?”

“It’s because—Gah! It will take too long to explain! Just know that it will solve our heatstroke problem.”

_What? How does burning servants have anything to do with lowering the temperature?!_

The leap in logic leaves Romani floored for a moment, but he quickly regains his wits and continues his questioning.

“How will burning servants solve the problem? Besides, didn’t you spend your life savings on rolling Ozymandias just last week—”

“—DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BURN THEM EITHER?” the Master’s sudden emotional outburst stuns everyone in the vicinity, “I-it’s not like I have a choice! I want to keep everyone too okay! But in the end, I had to force myself to choose only one Servant to keep which ended up being Tamamo…”

“Master…”

“Uh…”

“…”

“We understand Master. Please don’t cry anymore.”

Despite Karna’s comforting words, Romani has a hard time believing that everyone really understands. Siegfried—with his sudden action of hugging Karna to his chest—certainly does not look too enlightened.

Hell, he has known the orange haired girl longer than any Servant here and even he doesn’t understand!

As Gawain and Nitocris continue to play catch while circling him, he still struggles to understand the logic of the crazy Master. No matter how hard he tries to twist and contort his brain, things still don’t add up? Before he can do anything else however, a sheer cry of desperation cuts through the rowdy atmosphere.

“Ramasses! I love you!”

Wot.

It turns out, the Servant who had been buried under the 3 Cu Chulainns was Gilgamesh. Knowing that his beloved is about to be burned and most probably, lost for good, the King of Heroes—in a last-ditch effort—manages to muster up enough strength to throw the heavyweights off him and crawl towards Ozymandias. His fingers barely ghost past the Rider’s before he is yanked back and restrained once more. The impressive display of devotion prompts the Rider to struggle even harder, which is rather short-lived sadly; the loli Assassin sitting comfortably on top of him makes sure of that.

“I-I, love you too Gil!”

Overcome by emotion at the King of Heroes finally admitting his love, Ozymandias stumbles over his words even as Jack whacks him over the head a few times for good measure. A well-placed kick almost hits Yan Qing in the face, but the long-haired Assassin is much too quick to be hit by such senseless struggling.

In all honesty, the scene of the two once-proud Servants reduced to such a state—hands outstretched and yearning to reach other—is quite the tragic sight.

“Seriously, stop it guys. You’re making me looks like some evil villain trying to break up the star-crossed lovers—OUCH! What the fu—”

“—did I hit someone? Master! What are you doing here? Was it you that I hit? I’m so sorry!”

The endless struggle with Quetzalcoatl leads her off track from the burning room. Given that Tamamo is doing such a half-assed job at restraining her friend, the two end up stumbling drunkenly till they reached the front of the next room. Since the Master happened to be the one nearer to the door, she was unlucky enough to be smacked on the back of the head by the outward swinging door as it opened.

“What am I doing here? I could say the same about you Edison! What the hell are you doing in”—the orange haired girl sneaks a quick look at the sign on the door that the inventor just walked out from—“the Power Control Room?”

“Oh, that? I was just fixing the air conditioning system that got busted this morning by the kids.”

“Kids?”

“Ah, you know Jack, Nursery Rhyme and Hans. They were playing with water guns and happened to run in there and disrupt things.”

“Hans?!” she questions incredulously.

Romani can understand her shock. After all, despite his looks, Hans is a fully-grown adult mentally. Gudako does the logical thing (for once) and looks to her young assassin for answers, who ignores her in favour of holding her hand out expectantly to Emiya for another lollipop.

“About that, I think he was the one doing the running while the other two shot him down.”

“I see, so you waterproofed the system?”

“No? What good would that do?” the inventor looks quite astonished at that. “I basically just reinforced the whole thing to withstand forces short of a nuclear blast. I mean, we are talking about those water guns Summer Artoria uses. Those things can put holes in steel.”

At this point, Romani—who had largely been forgotten by the group—should point out that Yan Qing’s face has been paling at a remarkable rate throughout the exchange between Master and Servant. Nitocris and Gawain seemed to have come to a stalemate for now and are instead, staring at each other warily, both waiting for the other to make the first move.

“I see now.”

The Master strokes her chin in understanding.

“Well then, I suppose I’ll leave you and the rest to continue your…activities?”

Edison eyes the strange gathering of servants before making a hasty escape down the hall; The doctor silently praises the inventor for the smart move. His words also leave the doctor thinking; had he not mentioned something about a broken air conditioning system?

A sneaking suspicion worms its way up from the depths of his mind. The red-clad archer beats him to voicing them however.

“Master, don’t you think it’s much cooler now?” Emiya points out while trying to fend off the persistent Jack trying to reach into his pockets with one hand.

“Now that I think about it, I guess yes?”

“And Edison did mention something about damaged air conditioner systems.”

“Yeah.”

“Which means…”

“It means…”

“…”

“…”

“……”

_Hm, that certainly is a queer expression that Gudako wears on her face._

“Ah hahaha! Okay everyone, disperse! Shoo! Go back to doing whatever you were doing before~” the Master laughs as she awkwardly tries to defuse the situation.

Without being needed to be to twice, all the female Servants who were about to be burned scamper off before you can as much as blink. Together with them goes Gawain, who carries the look of a man offered salvation. Tamamo huffs and rolls her eyes before leaving as well, probably off to go comfort a traumatised Nitocris or something.

The servants who were enlisted to do the restraining now find themselves free as well. Emiya attempts to leave but is stopped by a pouting Jack tugging on his coat. Having been unsuccessful in clearing the Archer’s pockets of candy, she settles for a different battle technique instead. It was a lost battle from the beginning, considering how she merely flashes a hint of teary eyes before the red Archer gives in—sighing exasperatedly before gathering the small servant into his arms and stuffing more candy into her mouth. The tanned Servant then leaves to return to the kitchen most likely, muttering something about ‘kids’ and ‘troublesome’ the whole time.

“Stupid, stupid swordsman! Let go of my brother dammit!”

Siegfried ignores the raging Archer who is hitting him over the head with his bow in anger, in favour of embracing Karna and rocking back and forth slowly. His normally bright teal eyes now look vacant and empty as he clings on tightly to the Lancer as if afraid that he would disappear if he let go. The Dragon-Blooded Knight mumbles unintelligently all the while, despite the comforting pats that Karna gives him. Clearly, the threat of burning Karna had broken the Servant badly, although the Hero of Charity seems quite happy about the attention he is receiving. The fact that Karna is no longer in danger of being burnt anymore clearly does not register in his mind.

Come to think of it, Yan-Qing had long since disappeared before the Master could even reach her awkward conclusion and it confused Romani greatly. The doctor in him felt concern for the Servant that had looked so unsteady on his feet and pale, and he half considered going after the Assassin to check up on him. Before he can do so, his half-formed plans are disrupted by the Cu Chulainn trio.

“Doctor, you mind going to check up on our Lancer, non-prototype version? He hasn’t woken up since chocking on water just now.”

“Eh, I was just about to go find Yan Qing though—”

He is cut off by a strong grip on his shoulder. Hesitantly, he turns to face the person and feels chills go down his spine at the ominous look on Gudako’s face.

“Leave that rare prism—I mean, the guy to me.”

She then flashes a truly horrifying smile.

“S-sure!”

Back paddling rapidly to get away from that horrifying visage, Romani offers up a silent prayer for the unfortunate Assassin as he makes a rapid escape with the 3 Cu Chulainns.

The last thing he hears is the orange haired girl ordering Karna to track down the elusive assassin.

-/-/-

After their Master leaves with Karna, Siegfried and a very ruffled Arjuna to go hunt down a certain Assassin, the only people left in the hallway is Gilgamesh and Ozymandias who both blink owlishly at the odd turn of events. Well, at least the Rider was not going to be burned anymore right? The King of Heroes turns to face his friend and congratulate him but freezes at the shit eating grin on the other’s face.

“Ozy…?”

“Goldie, you said you loved me, right?”

“I, uh…”

Realisation dawns on him and his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Had he really said that? No way, right? There was no way he would admit his attraction to the stupid tanned Rider—

“Say it again!”

“What? No!”

“Why not?”

Ozymandias looms over him intimidatingly. He places his hands on both sides of the Archer’s body and effectively traps him between his body and floor.

“Say it!”

“No! Get off me stupid Ozy—Mmfff?!”

The King of Kings cuts him off with a searing kiss before he can refute any longer. Taken by surprise at the unexpected kiss, Gilgamesh shudders as his mouth is ravaged mercilessly. He quickly melts into the kiss and startles at the hand that reaches into his amour to palm his groin and the other that plays with his nipple. The blonde shudders at the rush of pleasure the actions bring him. His struggles rendered futile from a lack of air, he feels his vision dimming…

“…”

“Gil?”

The pharaoh shakes his golden companion and aside from a slurred moan, the Servant does not respond.

“Oh well. I always knew I was a good kisser.”

Slinging the Archer over his shoulder haphazardly like a sack of potatoes, he smiles devilishly as he carries his prize off to their room. Time for round, eh, he lost count despite it only being a week or so.

He gives the other’s perfect butt a quick squeeze and grins happily.

“Ah, Goldie,” the Rider giggles as he recalls his cute reaction to being kissed, “I will never get enough of you I swear.”

His booming laughter echoing along the narrow corridor, the Pharaoh fails to notice the few Medjeb sheets on the floor peaking up in interest. 

**Author's Note:**

> Pop quiz, who performs the CPR on best doggo?


End file.
